Artist: Quadeca

Album: I Didn’t Mean To Haunt You

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Background

Quadeca, also known as Benjamin Lasky, has been cultivating an online presence for a long time. At only 11 years old, he uploaded his first youtube video. Starting out slow with FIFA videos, Quadeca would start to upload videos of him rapping in 2014. Now, many of these videos showcased battle raps and diss tracks and I’ve never really been into that sort of thing. Looking back on his early raps reminds me of how big the ERB youtube channel was at the time and how awful most of those battle raps sounded. In many of his early videos, Quadeca’s energetic and youthful personality shines and it is easy to see why his channel saw growth. This time also saw Lasky release multiple mixtapes from Work in Progress (2015) to Out of Order (2017). Starting in 2018, Quadeca’s youtube channel would enter a new golden age. Perhaps a peak in Quadeca content was the highly popular “styles of rap”, with each video in the series getting millions of views. In this series, Quadeca would imitate the flows of other artists over type beats and he was, for the most part, on point. And in November 2018 he dropped “Insecure” (KSI Diss Track) which would become the most streamed video on his channel. At the time of writing, it has garnered over 38 million views on his channel. But minor internet fame would not satiate his ambitions as a recording artist. It should be noted that, unlike many other youtube rappers, Quadeca continued to self produce most of his own music.

With the release of the album Voice Memos in 2019 Quadeca flaunted his growth with detailed production as well as a willingness to stray from his rapping roots and experiment with his vocals. Following this, he continued his musical journey, releasing From Me To You under the AWAL music label in March of 2021. From Me To You further showcased his excellent skills as a producer. A key track on the album, “Sisyphus”, not only engages the listener with beautiful layers of soundscapes, but also includes some of Quadecas most heartfelt and genuine lyrics. From Me to You received more critical acclaim than its predecessors and Quadeca even made a youtube video to react to The Needle Drop’s review of it. Though From Me To You had been his best project yet, Laskey evolved further into his excellent 2022 release I Didn’t Mean To Haunt You. On September 19th, 2022, Quadeca released the lead single for the album “Born Yesterday”. A masterclass in modern electronic production, the repeated chorus “I wasn’t born yesterday, I think you’re goddamn lying” hits every time he says it. Unlike its predecessors, IDMTHY contains much less of the fast and lyrical rapping styles that Quadeca built his youtube rapper name on and turns instead to lush, ethereal and dynamic soundscapes hinted at in his earlier work.

Review

I Didn’t Mean to Haunt You is a concept album which details the experience of a ghost (formerly a human) who committed suicide. Most of its lyrics can easily be tied to this concept and one must respect Quadeca’s dedication to the album’s cohesion. Every song feels its most impactful within the context of the album. Furthermore, I believe the ghost character helps to conceal some of Quadeca’s potential weaknesses as a vocalist. Lacking a Frank Ocean tier voice, Quad is able to apply ghostly vocal effects in a way that feels natural on this album and his lyrics, while personal and emotionally poignant, need only speak for his ghost character. Production wise the album is a detailed and satisfying listen. IDMTHY draws influence from the pop rap of his contemporaries such as Tyler, The Creator and Joji, as well as the woody, nostalgic guitar sounds of lo-fi found in works by artists such as The Microphones and Duster. The album is accompanied by a 57 minute visual album experience featuring old buildings, a dog, and a spooky ghost fit.

The intro track, sorry4dying, sets the stage of the album with a single verse. As the wistful, layered production progresses, Quadeca appears in an in-between state, not fully in tune to his existence as a ghost.

So am I not a ghost? Passin’ through these walls I used to call a home I left my body lyin’ on the door mat Turned away, decided not to go back

At the end of his verse, Quadeca tries to scream and laments the fact that he cannot call out to the world to make his presence known. He is alone now more than ever. Despite an overwhelming majority of the lyrics being contained in a single verse, Quadeca is able to convey everything necessary for his introduction. The second half of the track is mostly instrumental. It serves to further envelop the listener into the sounds presented by the album in hopes of a transportative and dreamlike experience. And at the end of the track, the same melody which is used at the very beginning is repeated.

tell me a joke appears to portray Quadeca attending his own funeral and finally accepting that he is dead. He tries to find any humor in the situation but finds himself dissatisfied with the burial. I find the “Ha-ha” part in the chorus particularly unsettling. It is so forced and Quadeca seems unable to emotionally handle the situation. The repeated lyrics “reached through the walls, you saw right through” are a callback to “sorry4dying” and serve to emphasize his inability to interact with his surroundings. The track is perfectly rounded out with an explosive final chorus which sounds like desperately trying to escape a tornado. Overall, I really enjoy the structure of this song. Especially the slow build to the first chorus and the repeating lyrics which tie together the verses.

The next two tracks, don’t mind me and “picking up hands”, are some of the more low key tracks on the album. This is somewhat necessary following the emotional climax of “tell me a joke”. After the funeral, and seeing that he cannot rest easy in his own grave, Quadeca sets out to roam the earth as a ghost. The verses of “don’t mind me” paint a scene of Quadeca’s mother going through and cleaning out her deceased child’s belongings. The instrumental is a beautiful piece of emo rap and the chorus provides a dreamy respite from the otherwise grieving nature of the track. Musically, it also leans into the in-betweenness of the lyrics with glittering synths and off beat drum hits.

In picking up hands, Quadeca revisits a place he grew up at which may be his childhood home. He also continues to reference his mother, noting the moment he sees her eyes. The instrumental starts with some cozy, atmospheric guitar sounds textured by ambient soft clicks. As Quadeca’s lyrics progress, we are introduced to these high, wonky synths that almost shouldn’t work but do. Sonically, I find this track one of the more interesting ones on the album because of this combination of sounds. In his lyrics, Quadeca lists the various decorations and household items that are still where he left them and will continue on without him. The outro of this song explains that, with his death, Quadeca had hoped to find some cosmic meaning for life. As he puts it, “Thanks for playing, this is what the game was”. Sadly, he is just as conflicted now as when he died.

born yesterday is an expertly crafted song both in production and vocal performance. In it, Quadeca continues to follow his mother as she attempts to move past her grief. When she says things like “it was meant to be” or “it happened for a reason”, Quadeca cannot feel the same way. He claims she is lying about how she feels and wonders why he denies her words despite how much he cares about her. Feeling that he regrets his suicide, he cannot move on from his grief in the same way his mother can. After all this, around the 3:40 mark, the music cuts down to acoustic guitar and Quadeca delivers some of the hardest hitting emo lyrics I’ve heard in a while.

And it’s all those little things I should’ve said out loud Every little thing I did to make you proud

As the instrumental builds back up, Quadecas vocals seem to swell into the air, emphasizing the last lines of his verse.

The shortest track on the album, the memories we lost in translation, is a mostly instrumental piece which helps to connect the songs it is sandwiched by. It starts with a nice droning synth and swells as Quadeca’s heavily altered voice sings through the ether. The second half of the track is so dreamy and decorated with Avalanche-esque vocal samples.

house settling may be the most disturbing song on the album. Despite seeing his mothers attempts to move on from her grief in “born yesterday”, Quadeca continues to believe that she needs him. He desperately tries to make his presence known with creaks and knocks but all of his attempts are simply considered house settling. Giving in to his desire to be with her, Quadeca leaves a gas stove on.

When you offered me your forgiveness I was begging you not to breathe in Tried to yell at you from a distance

The creaks in the instrumental add to the scene. The song slowly builds with each verse without dropping and Quadeca repeats “dead to me” in the chorus. At the apex of his turmoil, the beat finally drops and guest feature Danny Brown delivers an unhinged verse from the perspective of carbon monoxide. The claustrophobic, industrial beat in combination with distorted vocals suffocates the ears as CO fills the home of Quadeca’s mother. Note that this song somewhat completes the story of his mother.

knots is a banger. The heart of the beat is this nasty gated synth which sounds like a machine belt trying to unstick itself or a car starting. The repeated refrain “I walk around with knots on my neck and my chest” is so catchy and filled with meaning in the context of the album. Personally, I would say the song sounds a lot like Injury Reserve. In “knots”, Quadeca continues to wrestle with his isolated and nomadic state. Though not the most original sounding piece on the album, “knots” is a well executed song.

The seven minute epic, fantasy world, is a flashback to a time in Quadeca’s life when he could still have hope for the future. It begins as a soft piano ballad with Quadeca’s vocals close and punching in and out. While the tracks immediately preceding it feel like drowning, “fantasy world” feels like dry land. I like the cold synths which soon enter and they remind me a lot of Youth Lagoon’s first album. Quadeca sings of a far off land, mountains away from his current self, which he longs to return to. There are very few musical moments I find as emotionally cathartic as when the building instrumental reaches its peak in this song. In the visual album, fireworks are displayed for this scene and it is very much deserved. This is one of the songs on this album where Quadeca’s songwriting prowess truly shines.

In contrast to his usual ghostly vocal effects, fractions of infinity sees Quadeca speaking more clearly than any point so far. Gone are the emotions of “house settling” and “knots”. In their stead, Quadeca’s genuine desire for closure rests. Instrumental wise, I enjoy how Quadeca utilizes panning in this song. The whole thing feels like it’s spinning. In his verses, he worries about his lack of time. He has already run out of time once before and now wishes to complete what he needs to before he must leave again. For the final part of the song, the Sunday Service Choir sings the cryptic refrain of “Those words don’t do you justice”.

cassini’s division is a spacy, uneasy conclusion to our ghostly journey. It sounds more like an exorcism than a gentle ascent. The drums are unpredictable. They cut away when I want them to continue and do not pick up the beat until Quadeca’s speech is through and the marching instrumental drops. When the beat does drop, it feels familiar and it is the place of belonging that Quadeca has been searching for. The album closes with static, a callback to the song “knots” where he says “I don’t fade to black I cut to static”. The static, which hits much like rain on a windshield, is very lightly underlined by a single note repeating.

Favorite Lyrics

I’m not the one, I look around and I see nothing Reach through the walls, I tried to scream, it won’t come out Sorry for dying I just wanna hold you without haunting

Quadeca, “sorry4dying”

You told a story and you got to my name and it made you flinch I became your stutter, I became a knot, I became a glitch

Quadeca, “knots”

Been afraid of nothing for so long That’s why I’m stuck with it But nothing is gonna change Until I change what nothing is

Quadeca, “fractions of infinity”

Discussion Questions

Have you ever encountered a ghost or supernatural activity? Is there an artist not mentioned above who may have influenced the album or has a similar sound? There is an article co-written by Ben Lasky himself about some of the influences here. Any complaints about how the album is mixed? Some of the vocals are quiet to my ears but it must be pretty difficult to record vocals as a ghost. How does this album compare to Quadeca’s other projects you’ve enjoyed?